I was 15 and in love. Now, I know what you must be thinking, “That’s too young,” or “You don’t know what love is.” Well, you’re right. I don’t. At least I thought I did. To me, “love” was sticking through “thick and thin”. But what is “thick and thin” exactly? How do you know what you can handle and what you can’t? I certainly didn’t know. I thought I was the strongest woman ever at 15. I thought I could handle anything life threw at me. I thought I had everything figured out. I thought I knew what love was. But what I didn’t know was what love is not.  

I would often hear that you should stick by your significant other’s side no matter what. That you should always make them happy. That you should always be there when they need you. And that’s exactly what I was doing. So, why did everything go wrong? 

When I was a freshman in high school, a new kid had transferred to my school. Everyone knew him except me. He was the talk of the school. I remember when he walked into my classroom; I could hear all the whispers and the gasps. I had no clue who this kid was. He was cute but way out of my league. All of a sudden, I just kept seeing him everywhere. I couldn’t stop running into him. Until one day, he came over to me and introduced himself. I was confused … and nervous … and happy … and nervous again. I didn’t know how to react. He was a pretty cool guy. Before I knew it, we became best friends. We were always together. Always hanging out. But it was solely platonic, I promise. People thought we were dating. I never really saw him like that. I only saw him as a friend. But then, he asked me out. Obviously, I said yes. He was my best friend, why would I not? I thought it was the perfect love story. Only this story doesn’t have a happy ending. 

I started seeing a side of him I was not expecting. A side I did not like. It all started when he would “joke” about telling me what to wear and what not to wear. I always brushed it off like who are you to tell me what to wear (lol). That was one red flag I chose to ignore. Then, he started keeping me from seeing my friends. He would constantly question me about all my male friends and tell me that, “it doesn’t look good for him when I am hanging out with boys.” Another red flag I chose to ignore. He would pick a fight with anyone who looked my way and make a scene. He would also pick fights with me over hypothetical situations. Things that didn’t even happen, isn’t that crazy? He would pick fights with me in front of our families. Straight up embarrass me. He would go through my phone and question me about every little thing to try and catch me lying. He would grab me inappropriately in public even though he knew I didn’t like it. When we would argue, he would often get in my face and say, “Do you think I’m scared of you?” He would argue with me in school and yell at me in front of everyone. Make me cry in front of everyone. He would look at me in my face while I’m crying and he’d say, “This crying act of yours doesn’t do anything to me.” I eventually stopped caring about crying in front of people in school.  

We would fight every single day. He constantly tried controlling me. He hated the fact that I would fight back. He was used to these weak bitches who would do anything and everything he said. Unfortunately, it worked. Nothing was ever his fault. He turned everything on me somehow. And he was pretty damn good at it. Everything was on his terms. He got whatever he wanted all the time. He made me his personal little servant. He made me clean his room, do his laundry, wash his dishes, make his bed, make him food. He always claimed that since he works a lot, then I should want to do those things for him (even though he worked 1-2 days a week) *rolls eyes*. I had “PENDEJA”* written across my forehead.  

Eventually, I felt myself change. I felt myself getting used to this “special treatment”. It was a while before I stopped arguing with him. And if you know me, you know that is a very hard thing for me to do; I love to argue lol. But I found myself thinking about him and his feelings over my own. One day, he got so angry with me that when we got in the car, he just started yelling at me, cursing at me, threatening me saying how he just wants to crash the car with the both of us in it. He was also saying how lucky I was to be a girl because if I was a boy he would’ve “rocked me”. I just sat there, silent AF, ignoring him. Then, he had THE NERVE to get mad at me for not wanting to give him a kiss goodbye. Yup. That’s roughly what I dealt with for a year and a couple of months. It wasn’t always bad though. We did basically everything together. He bought me clothes, shoes, makeup, food. He even bought me a “promise ring” after dating for 3 months. We were meant to be. I met his entire family. He met mine. He became my world. You’re probably thinking, “OMFG why didn’t you just leave?” I wish it was that easy. I couldn’t leave him. I couldn’t be the one to end it after everything he has done for me. Everyone has a bad day or two. He just had really bad anger issues. He was only protecting me. He was only looking out for me. He was only showing me what love is. He loved me. (Please tell me you caught the sarcasm…) 

Isn’t that what love is supposed to be? Accepting each other’s flaws and insecurities? Loving your significant other for who they are no matter what? That’s what I did. Love him for who he is but hope he’d change. Why wasn’t I happy? Why was I the one being treated like crap? Why should I have to accept them even if I don’t want to? Deep down, I knew this wasn’t it but I still stuck around. Society made me feel like you should stay by someone’s side if you love them. You should love them unconditionally. I didn’t even know what that meant but remember I thought I knew everything. Now when I look back, I get angry at myself for allowing this toxicity in my life during my entire high school experience. I wish I listened to those that told me not to date in high school. 

 But like I said before, I was 15 and in love. I thought I knew everything. I thought I could change him. After we broke up and I found out about things he did behind my back like cheat and lie, I was really depressed for about a month or so. I was scared to talk to any boy. I was crying 24/7. My eyes were permanently swollen. I skipped class to cry on my teacher’s shoulder. I never ate. I wasn’t starving myself, I just wasn’t hungry. I felt nothing but everything at the same time. Even after we broke up, he still had a piece of my heart even after everything he did. I do admit that he has traumatized me. But over time, it got easier without him. I started gaining control of my life again. I reignited the fire he had put out in me. I became happier. It felt as though a weight was slowly lifting off my shoulders. I felt great. People were even starting to take notice of the “new me”.  

 Eventually, I realized he never loved me. I didn’t know everything. I didn’t know what love was. I knew what love was not and that wasn’t love. I realized that you don’t have to put up with anyone’s bullshit. I no longer agree with the phrase, “Accept and love people for who they are.” I’m sorry but I don’t have to. I don’t have to associate with anyone that I KNOW is not good for me. I don’t have to accept your toxic behavior just because I love you. I don’t have to ignore the red flags. I don’t have to put your needs above mine. I don’t have to stay.  

*Pendejo/a: stupid, or idiot in spanish*